An Observation

I was thinking on how so often, we try to be better people for ourselves. And on occasion, we use a more noble reason: It's for other people around me.

If I'm not well, how can I be good to other people? If I'm not taking care of myself, how can I learn to take care of other people?

All good and true, except we got so busy trying to protect our bubble that we don't let anyone in. And while we try to 'take care of ourselves', when the day finally arrives that we are so in optimal shape that there is no one there but ourselves. Everyone had been shelved under the talk of: "Oh, but you have to understand I need to take care of myself. When I get better, we can pick it up again." When we do get better, there is no one to share the pleasure of being better with. We've shoved them all aside. They've all moved on while we stood still in time and space trying to construct our optimal self.

Help me not to be like that... oh please... not like that.

Demise

Note to reader: This is NOT an emo post. For real.

This week was pretty eventful. There were many first(s) that happened this week. I will remember the events of this week very vividly and tell the stories to my descendants.

1) The demise of an Office Chair.

I witnessed the violation and the breaking of an office chair at my boss's house this week. Someone, namely J***N, sat on it when we were having caregroup and in the midst of people praying for one another for encouragement and strength (it was an intimate moment). There was this LOUD crashing, followed by awed silence, and then contained laughter followed. ROTFL... The chair BROKE. Someone needs to go on a diet. Thankfully it wasn't me on the chair. I decided the floor was the safest. At least the chances f you breaking through the floor is a lot lesser than you breaking a chair. That's comforting...

2) The demise of an asset.

OH.MY.WORD. I've never been THIS broke in my life.... it's not even funny. My friend said to me, "Welcome to Brokeville." Thanks. I'm new here. Are there any neighbours? It's sad, incredible, but true. I went to the ATM today to get some money so the $0.50 in my wallet won't feel so alone.I was thinking that I still have some semblance of money in my account. (Thinking is dangerous. Thinking gives you hope. Bleah....)And I don't know what it is but something prompted me to press the "Account Balance" option before the "Cash" option. And so I did. With that fateful finger on that fateful button on that fateful option. I wait, in anticipation, half thinking that the amount was exactly as I left it from the last withdrawal. I breathe in and out. "Why is the machine taking so long to get my balance on the screen?!?" And then the text on the screen flickers to a new screen. My balance. First thought: OH.MY.WORD! WHAT.THE.STINK!!! My mom is so gonna kill me! And then panic to bewilderment. "WHY? WHY IS IT SO LITTLE?!?" And then it turns to resignation. "SUCKS. Sigh..." And then I opted for "End transaction." 

3) The demise of age.

So I was in a conversation with some friends over dinner (not restaurant. not cafe. not expensive) and we got to talking about how fast the year has gone by. It's that time of the year. People get nostalgic and start reminiscing... all that mushy "awwwww.... so nice...." stuff. So anyway, we were talking about how November is just round the corner. And then one friend said, "Oh my! In approximately two months, I will technically be 22 years old!" (She's now 21.) And when she said that, this awakening zapped right into the heart of my being. I'm aging... GREAT...

4) The demise of a teenager

My sister has arrived. In a couple of days, she will be an adult in the eyes of the law. I say this because I am pretty sure my parents will never understand that their children are actually capable of critical thinking and fully able to make calculated decisions so that their lives won't be completely destroyed. Maybe one day I'll understand why, but for now... I have no idea. Joy's gonna be 21. I've only thought about this day... never actually thinking that it'll ever come to pass. I always thought I was gonna be raptured into heaven before this day. (oh, be quiet. I was young and ignorant. Who can blame me?) In a couple of days, she will no longer be a teenager. She will not need parental consent to be married, or participate in youth camps or overnight activities.  If she commits a crime, she will be judged in the high court and sent to jail if found guilty. She has successfully stepped out of the embarrassing social status of a "juvenile". Congratulations, sis. Remember, don't commit crimes.

Green lights

I'm frustrated. I cannot find the 're-start' button anywhere. I don't see 'reset' anywhere. There's no 'restore to factory settings'. And, nope, no 'eject' anywhere either. It's just green light, continuously lighted throughout. The whole time. It doesn't get switched off. It doesn't go to red. It just stays green.

Sometimes, I wished it went to red light. Cos then that means something's gotta change. The batteries, the whole appliance, something.

But no. It just stays green. The whole time.

Steps

I think it's funny how with every victory, no matter how big or small, there will still be yet another step to climb. I mean, no matter how many mountaintops you get to, you ultimately face the inevitable valley. But when you get to the valley, you are sure to get to the mountaintop yet again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying God loves seeing us downcast and suffering. In fact, He puts it quite plainly that whenever you're doing the will of the Father, that you will find joy no matter what. What's even more bizarre is that 'JOY' is this complex, innate and deep sense of happiness and contentment, rather than the outward expression of excitement and exhilaration. 

Recently, I've been planning. Yup, mapping out a plan for my life ahead. I realise that when I waved goodbye to the Ministry of Education, I did not just step into a church office, I stepped into possibilities. The only thing that makes any great distinction is HIM, HIS VOICE, HIS PLAN. Bummer... ha. (Just kidding, God... :/ ) And I remember a friend told me, "Pam, don't be so quick to plan and map out everything cos crap happens." (obviously this friend used the more accurate and crude word here) And guess what? It did. Very shortly after my post (9 Sept), something did happen that made me stop to think about whether my plans could be carried out. And just recently, there was a glimmer of hope, a small little way out, a small conquest, a tiny summit-experience. But yet again, tonight, the light seemed to fade away. And at best, it was fade-ING away.

So, hopefully, God, please don't let it disappear. I can hope, right? :)

Be Still

Dear Pam,

Be still, my soul

The Lord is on Your side

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain

Leave to your God to order and provide

In every change, He faithful will remain

Be still, my soul, your best, your heavenly friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Be still, my soul

Your God will undertake

To guide the future as He has the past

Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake

All now mysterious shall be bright at last

Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He lived below.

Yes, You can.

Wandering Mind

Flinder's Station, Melbourne

It's funny what a break does to you. Your body adjusts (quicker than ever) to the lack of activity. And your mind, strangely enough, springs into action, ready to wander. 

Lygon Street, Melbourne

To and fro it goes, between time zones and time lines. Your life in the past, present and future switches back and forth, to and fro, it fleets, it flies... but it will also land, inevitably so, at the moment in time when you felt the best and loved the most...

Mmm.... 

Try

Today I was out with some friends. We got to talking about some pretty interesting stuff, one of which are plans that we've set aside for our lives since ages past. It's funny how our lives did not go as we planned it to be. I'm not sure exactly how to feel about that. But while I sat at Starbucks, thinking about the many, many ways my life could have turned out, it was bittersweet, like the hot chocolate I drank.

Right now, I ought to be married with at least a kid. My husband would have been able to sustain our family so I can be a homemaker. And I would be having play dates with my fellow homemakers in the neighbourhood. But I'm not. Hah...

I could have been in Melbourne right now, studying something like floristry, pastry making, pursuing a higher eductaional degree, venturing into psychology, furthering literary studies. I would have been a completely new person there, living on my own and making ends meet, occasionally surviving on bread and water... and the odd italian meal that I can afford from my pay check working part-time in some cafe. But I'm not.

We sat there, at starbucks, thinking about our plans, our 'dreams'. I had fun thinking back... and I'm inspired.

Before the next 10 years of my life whizzes past me, I wanna do the following:
1) Go missions. Please... finally.
2) Study in Australia for a couple of years and live on my own. I'm thinking culinary... ha.
3) Get some cafe to employ me as a barista.
4) Hope my sister really opens a nice cafe so I can work for her.

And I suppose, as I was thinking, that even if none of the above ever, ever happens...

... I want to be able to say that I tried.