life's lil' sparkles

An Observation

2009-11-03T00:37:00.002+08:00

I was thinking on how so often, we try to be better people for ourselves. And on occasion, we use a more noble reason: It's for other people around me.

If I'm not well, how can I be good to other people? If I'm not taking care of myself, how can I learn to take care of other people?

All good and true, except we got so busy trying to protect our bubble that we don't let anyone in. And while we try to 'take care of ourselves', when the day finally arrives that we are so in optimal shape that there is no one there but ourselves. Everyone had been shelved under the talk of: "Oh, but you have to understand I need to take care of myself. When I get better, we can pick it up again." When we do get better, there is no one to share the pleasure of being better with. We've shoved them all aside. They've all moved on while we stood still in time and space trying to construct our optimal self.

Help me not to be like that... oh please... not like that.

Demise

2009-10-29T23:37:00.004+08:00

Note to reader: This is NOT an emo post. For real.

This week was pretty eventful. There were many first(s) that happened this week. I will remember the events of this week very vividly and tell the stories to my descendants.

1) The demise of an Office Chair.

I witnessed the violation and the breaking of an office chair at my boss's house this week. Someone, namely J***N, sat on it when we were having caregroup and in the midst of people praying for one another for encouragement and strength (it was an intimate moment). There was this LOUD crashing, followed by awed silence, and then contained laughter followed. ROTFL... The chair BROKE. Someone needs to go on a diet. Thankfully it wasn't me on the chair. I decided the floor was the safest. At least the chances f you breaking through the floor is a lot lesser than you breaking a chair. That's comforting...

2) The demise of an asset.

OH.MY.WORD. I've never been THIS broke in my life.... it's not even funny. My friend said to me, "Welcome to Brokeville." Thanks. I'm new here. Are there any neighbours? It's sad, incredible, but true. I went to the ATM today to get some money so the $0.50 in my wallet won't feel so alone.I was thinking that I still have some semblance of money in my account. (Thinking is dangerous. Thinking gives you hope. Bleah....)And I don't know what it is but something prompted me to press the "Account Balance" option before the "Cash" option. And so I did. With that fateful finger on that fateful button on that fateful option. I wait, in anticipation, half thinking that the amount was exactly as I left it from the last withdrawal. I breathe in and out. "Why is the machine taking so long to get my balance on the screen?!?" And then the text on the screen flickers to a new screen. My balance. First thought: OH.MY.WORD! WHAT.THE.STINK!!! My mom is so gonna kill me! And then panic to bewilderment. "WHY? WHY IS IT SO LITTLE?!?" And then it turns to resignation. "SUCKS. Sigh..." And then I opted for "End transaction."

3) The demise of age.

So I was in a conversation with some friends over dinner (not restaurant. not cafe. not expensive) and we got to talking about how fast the year has gone by. It's that time of the year. People get nostalgic and start reminiscing... all that mushy "awwwww.... so nice...." stuff. So anyway, we were talking about how November is just round the corner. And then one friend said, "Oh my! In approximately two months, I will technically be 22 years old!" (She's now 21.) And when she said that, this awakening zapped right into the heart of my being. I'm aging... GREAT...

4) The demise of a teenager

My sister has arrived. In a couple of days, she will be an adult in the eyes of the law. I say this because I am pretty sure my parents will never understand that their children are actually capable of critical thinking and fully able to make calculated decisions so that their lives won't be completely destroyed. Maybe one day I'll understand why, but for now... I have no idea. Joy's gonna be 21. I've only thought about this day... never actually thinking that it'll ever come to pass. I always thought I was gonna be raptured into heaven before this day. (oh, be quiet. I was young and ignorant. Who can blame me?) In a couple of days, she will no longer be a teenager. She will not need parental consent to be married, or participate in youth camps or overnight activities. If she commits a crime, she will be judged in the high court and sent to jail if found guilty. She has successfully stepped out of the embarrassing social status of a "juvenile". Congratulations, sis. Remember, don't commit crimes.

Green lights

2009-10-23T00:55:00.003+08:00

I'm frustrated. I cannot find the 're-start' button anywhere. I don't see 'reset' anywhere. There's no 'restore to factory settings'. And, nope, no 'eject' anywhere either. It's just green light, continuously lighted throughout. The whole time. It doesn't get switched off. It doesn't go to red. It just stays green.

Sometimes, I wished it went to red light. Cos then that means something's gotta change. The batteries, the whole appliance, something.

But no. It just stays green. The whole time.

Steps

2009-10-06T00:15:00.004+08:00

I think it's funny how with every victory, no matter how big or small, there will still be yet another step to climb. I mean, no matter how many mountaintops you get to, you ultimately face the inevitable valley. But when you get to the valley, you are sure to get to the mountaintop yet again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying God loves seeing us downcast and suffering. In fact, He puts it quite plainly that whenever you're doing the will of the Father, that you will find joy no matter what. What's even more bizarre is that 'JOY' is this complex, innate and deep sense of happiness and contentment, rather than the outward expression of excitement and exhilaration.

Recently, I've been planning. Yup, mapping out a plan for my life ahead. I realise that when I waved goodbye to the Ministry of Education, I did not just step into a church office, I stepped into possibilities. The only thing that makes any great distinction is HIM, HIS VOICE, HIS PLAN. Bummer... ha. (Just kidding, God... :/ ) And I remember a friend told me, "Pam, don't be so quick to plan and map out everything cos crap happens." (obviously this friend used the more accurate and crude word here) And guess what? It did. Very shortly after my post (9 Sept), something did happen that made me stop to think about whether my plans could be carried out. And just recently, there was a glimmer of hope, a small little way out, a small conquest, a tiny summit-experience. But yet again, tonight, the light seemed to fade away. And at best, it was fade-ING away.

So, hopefully, God, please don't let it disappear. I can hope, right? :)

Be Still

2009-09-22T01:14:00.004+08:00

Dear Pam,

Be still, my soul

The Lord is on Your side

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain

Leave to your God to order and provide

In every change, He faithful will remain

Be still, my soul, your best, your heavenly friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Be still, my soul

Your God will undertake

To guide the future as He has the past

Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake

All now mysterious shall be bright at last

Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He lived below.

Yes, You can.

Wandering Mind

2009-09-11T01:03:00.007+08:00

Flinder's Station, Melbourne

It's funny what a break does to you. Your body adjusts (quicker than ever) to the lack of activity. And your mind, strangely enough, springs into action, ready to wander.

Lygon Street, Melbourne

To and fro it goes, between time zones and time lines. Your life in the past, present and future switches back and forth, to and fro, it fleets, it flies... but it will also land, inevitably so, at the moment in time when you felt the best and loved the most...

Mmm....

Try

2009-09-09T00:55:00.002+08:00

Today I was out with some friends. We got to talking about some pretty interesting stuff, one of which are plans that we've set aside for our lives since ages past. It's funny how our lives did not go as we planned it to be. I'm not sure exactly how to feel about that. But while I sat at Starbucks, thinking about the many, many ways my life could have turned out, it was bittersweet, like the hot chocolate I drank.

Right now, I ought to be married with at least a kid. My husband would have been able to sustain our family so I can be a homemaker. And I would be having play dates with my fellow homemakers in the neighbourhood. But I'm not. Hah...

I could have been in Melbourne right now, studying something like floristry, pastry making, pursuing a higher eductaional degree, venturing into psychology, furthering literary studies. I would have been a completely new person there, living on my own and making ends meet, occasionally surviving on bread and water... and the odd italian meal that I can afford from my pay check working part-time in some cafe. But I'm not.

We sat there, at starbucks, thinking about our plans, our 'dreams'. I had fun thinking back... and I'm inspired.

Before the next 10 years of my life whizzes past me, I wanna do the following:
1) Go missions. Please... finally.
2) Study in Australia for a couple of years and live on my own. I'm thinking culinary... ha.
3) Get some cafe to employ me as a barista.
4) Hope my sister really opens a nice cafe so I can work for her.

And I suppose, as I was thinking, that even if none of the above ever, ever happens...

... I want to be able to say that I tried.

Private

2009-08-13T01:49:00.003+08:00

I think I'm too private to blog. There's too many considerations and it's way too open. I'm not used to it. I have lost count of the many, many posts that lie in my blog as 'drafts'.

1 year 7 months

2009-07-29T16:24:00.003+08:00

I've been working in the church office for 1 year 7 months. I've been in a different environment for 1 year 7 months. I haven't decided exactly what my designation in the office is for 1 year 7 months. I've been living day by day for 1 year 7 months. I have been missing people for 1 year 7 months

A friend is leaving for Michigan in exactly 2 weeks. I'm not sure how I'll take her departure. I'm sad and I'll miss her loads. I'm so totally envious. An ex-student (more like friend now) is leaving for Lancaster College to study linguistics. UK beckons... A friend is currently in Melbourne studying... and soaking up the Australian air. A friend is getting married this Saturday.

People around me are moving on to new things. (Even my mom got some NEW OSIM apparatus from my aunt). New things... I also want. Haha... I wonder if this is termed COVETIOUSNESS? ENVY? JEALOUSY? RESTLESSNESS?

No idea... but whatever it is, I'm dying to move on to new things. I think it's a case of a very bad habit and an insatiable need to have variety. I will admit, it's terribly hard for me to stay put in one place. I mean, in my third year teaching I wanted to get out of the school. Stayed for another 2.5 years and quit the profession altogether. Ok, in my defense, this isn't a fair statement because it wasn't like I hated teaching or anything. Just felt that it's time to dedicate x amount of years (for now it's 1 year 7 months) to work at the church. Even with food I need variety. I also think that a pearl button on this white shirt makes it a different white shirt from the one with a plastic button. I'm in the deep end here.

But yeah... new things. I want new things. Everyone likes new things, right?

d.i.s.p.l.a.c.e.d

2009-07-04T09:56:00.003+08:00

Displaced: moved or put out of the usual place.

Displacement is generally a disconcerting feeling. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable, and leaves me slightly lost with myself. No... I'm not struggling with an identity crisis. I think it's just that I feel out of place. It's all a very awkward feeling.

Actually, I have no idea how to proceed with this post. I think I just want to throw out a cosmic question into the continuum of space. Well... 2 questions, actually.

1) Why?

2) How?

I guess I only have to keep looking at the end of the road. Soon and very soon... I'll be with YOU. And then it will all be worth it.

Meanwhile, I will take it in my stride.

Soon and very soon, my King is coming

Robed in righteousness and crowned with love

When I see Him I shall be made like Him

Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon, I'll be going

To the place He has prepared for me

There my sin erased, my shame forgotten

Soon and very soon

I will be with the one I love

With unveiled face I'll see Him

There my soul will be satisfied

Soon and very soon

Though I may not see Him

My heart knows Him well

Ode to the Piano

2009-06-13T00:54:00.005+08:00

I miss my piano. I do. I miss the ivory and ebony keys. I miss being able to play the piano as and when i want to. I miss trying out new progressions, figuring out a song, a tune, anything.

My room is too small for a decent keyboard... and so is my hall. My Yamaha Upright is sitting in my aunt's house - neglected, abandoned and cloaked in dust, I'm sure.

AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

One of the ways I relieve tension is playing on my piano. I remember the times when I take breaks between studying and marking just to sit at the piano and play away... I miss my piano. Words don't do it justice...

And listening to music all the time does not hel. "Great song! Lemme try to play it." RUDE SHOCK - the piano ISN'T THERE! I open Garage Band on my mac and pathetically plonk away on my qwerty keyboard, pretending I'm actually playing. It's disgusting... my piano feels PLASTIC... I'm typing my music...

I miss my piano...

Just keep looking up

2009-06-09T23:42:00.003+08:00

I'm back. I figured if I'm gonna start blogging, then I should at least try to keep it alive on a monthly basis.

Tonight, I came to terms with many things...

1) I realised people find me intimidating. I'm like "Huh?!? You gotta be kidding me." But apparently, it's been observed to be a fact of life. It's been a perennial problem in my relating with others. "Am I really?", I ask myself. (ok, no, don't answer that) Apparently it's the way I talk, and the way that I just am - PAM. I find it slightly disturbing...

2) I miss my friends. I really, really miss talking to them and just pouring my heart out. I haven't done that in a long long while. Plus, they don't find me intimidating. I haven't been talking much. Complaining doesn't count. (plus, I'm not allowed to do that anymore) But, talking... I think that's ok, right? I haven't been talking. I miss having ppl that are predictable. I don't have to guess how they would react, respond... because I know. I'm a little tired of unpredictability...

3) I really need space. Not the "I'm a few inches larger than normal, so I need space" kinda thing... but I need psychological and emotional space. That's REALLY important to me. I think when that gets crowded out with things, people, work, entertainment (yes, even entertainment), I get discontented with my present state of being. It's like some yellow caution sign just before it turns red. Ok. I need to do something about my time.

4) I will miss my parents terribly one day.

5) I am human... and GOD, ... is GOD.

6) And so I need to keep looking up.

Awakening

2009-05-19T01:12:00.004+08:00

You know how you're that far down, things can only get better? I think I'm still down there... but I do know it will start to get better. I mean, it can ONLY get better, right? Hopefully.

I've been complaining... A LOT. And I think God's getting tired of my complaints. And so He flashes His "STOP IT, PAM" hand signs in the forms of friends and preachers. I'm very grateful that He sends people my way to tell me when I'm not going the right way, He sends stop signs to help me get back on track, He speaks to me through sermons (well, considering how they're so spot-on, God's technically YELLING at me to STOP). I'm thankful because it means He hasn't given up on me. He hears me, He understands, He knows where I'm at, He Loves me enough to orchestrate these events and people together, just to SHOW me that He' s still here with me. He's awesome.

So here's to Pam: WAKE UP. WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!

And here's to my friends who came to speak to me: Thank You.

Here's to Him: I Love You... and it will never be enough. :)

I see You hanging there, bloodstained

And freedom in your hands

I see amazing Grace, I need

Compassion on your face

Now that I see You, I know

Your Love commands my soul

Now that I know You, I see

There's no one else for me

Staying in...

2009-05-14T17:10:00.004+08:00

I realise that there's too much going on in my life right now to post anything on this blog without getting into trouble cos I'm bearing my heart. How?

Ok... stay in, thoughts and feelings... God knows.

Evaluation

2009-05-06T00:33:00.006+08:00

I was in the dumps today... and I turned to find no one there to lift me up. It's a sucky feeling.

What are you doing with your life, Pam? What are you investing your time in? Who are you pouring time into? Where were they?

Maybe I need to re-evaluate.

"In all things give thanks." Thank you, God.

I miss you... come back quick... I have so much to say to you.

I'm Glad...

2009-04-25T01:11:00.006+08:00

Today was the first time I led net in a long long while. I have to admit that I was really quite apprehensive. I know it seems weird for me to feel that way cos I've done it so many times before. But it's true.

The whole day I was thinking about how it would be like in net today cos I'm taking over a net with people I don't really know very well, save for one. So I was kinda nervous. I'm actually pretty shy. (YES, I KNOW... LAUGH YOUR HEADS OFF) But I am... I am actually, in reality, an introvert. I find nothing wrong with eating by yourself, sitting in a cafe by yourself, being in non-crowded places, not being the life of the party... being backstage instead of on stage... I actually don't enjoy strangers... and I clam up when I'm around people I don't know... you get the drift.

But today's net was (to me) really good. I got to know some youths better and got to hear about their goals in their walk with God, what they want to see changed in their lives, what God did for them in the week, their ideas about Barney the Purple Dinosaur. I had fun at net! Yaye! I hope net gets better and better... :)

... better and better...

Happy Birthday

2009-04-22T01:54:00.006+08:00

Happy Birthday to me. :) 21st April marks the beginning of a new phase in my life. I'm looking forward to see what lies in store for me. Obviously it's not all gonna be a bed of roses, and obviously it might get worse than the previous decade (OMG, I can now actually use the word 'decade' to describe the phases of my life. SAVE ME, SOMEBODY!). But I'm looking forward.

I was compelled to think about what I've done with my life thus far.. and honestly, I can tell you - nothing much. But I'm not depressed about it. Because I know that in the insignificance of my life, I have grown in significant ways.

I think I've come a long long way from several years back. I've learnt to stand on my own two feet. I've learnt to let go of things and embrace others. But more importantly, I'm glad I can laugh at myself. I've loved every single experience that life has thrown at me because it has made me who I am today. I'm not perfect (Oh, God, NO!) but I've enjoyed this process... I don't think I'll trade my life for anyone else's. I love these quotes:

"Someday, I want every single line on my face to speak to an incredibly rich life."

"Years are just something from a calendar, and I love that the numbers get bigger but I don't feel that much difference."

Ha... how true... What's more important now for me is not what has happened to my life thus far... but what will happen to my life in time to come. It will be exciting. It will be rich in fun and seriousness, laughter and tears, joy and sorrow, strengths and weaknesses... but it will be rich with Life HIMself.

That's what I want it to be.

Happy Birthday, Me. Have a great life!

The Last Day

2009-04-20T13:09:00.004+08:00

Hmm... today is a day for reckoning. It's the LAST day before a new chapter starts. I cannot begin to explain to you how I actually feel about it. It's a mish-mash inside... but I'm definitely thinking a lot about it. Not exactly in some emo "i-wanna-go-to-a-corner-and-cry-my-eyes-out" sort of way... maybe more, well, reflective?

So the perennial question I ask myself is: What is it that I've accomplished?

Worth thinking about, huh? Because then this question leads you on to evaluating other stuff in your life.

What is it?

The Ditch

2009-04-17T16:43:00.004+08:00

This picture got me chuckling. Ok ok... I know it's probably linked to some riot, political unrest, sociological unhappiness.... but, what the heck... That's how it is sometimes, isn't it?

Haha... What we cannot afford, we make do. We create, we innovate, we reinvent, we improvise (and all the other synonyms that you can think while you're reading this).

And it's true how I always fall into this ditch of "I cannot afford to" - buy this, make that, renovate my room, buy new furniture, waste my life, waste my time, put on weight, get any shorter, live in Australia etc...

But I can be content. Yes... I can, and I will. :)

Growing

2009-04-15T16:43:00.003+08:00

This is a short post. I just want to get it out.

I think it's so amazing how long we've come - growing up together, discovering ourselves, finding and losing loves, moving on to the different chapters of our lives. It's quite a feat!

You know how it is with these hollywood movies about girls growing up and forming some kind of unbreakable bond, this inner-circle of friendship, the eternal 'sisterhood'? - Yah, that's how I feel about us, the Ong sisters, the soon-to-be-Mrs Hoon and me... :)

It's so exciting that little Rachel is coming to the older of the Ongs... it's amazing. Now we have to make room for a little girl... and just when the younger Ong is moving out... But of course, no one gets replaced. We just make room for one more... :)

I think everyone needs a circle of friends like we have. It lets us tell of our life's story with much more than just words...

There's so much to look forward to. I cannot wait...

Time for Tea

2009-04-11T09:58:00.005+08:00

I had a great time Good Friday - hanging out with close friends and the Good News Singapore service was AWESOME.

One of my friends raised a concern when I was talking about my working in church. She's worried that I'm slowly losing my wit and she's afraid I'm not going to be funny anymore. (cos she read my blog *pat on the shoulder* and thinks I'm turning into a saint. Why she would think that bewilders me. I'm far from one.) What a silly notion! (shout out to YOU, my friend!)

I'm still the same person lah... I just reflect more on the things that God's been showing me about my own life and working in church doesn't make me less relevant to you guys, ok? And YES, I ADMIT. I don't laugh as hard anywhere else other than being with you guys. What will I do without you people, huh? huh? huh? Who will I poke? Who will take my nonsense? Who will UNDERSTAND my jokes?!? Who will offer to give me watches they buy for their wife? Who will I tease?Who will I go to if I wanna be totally random?!?

I love tea-time with you guys. I really do. It makes me real. Honestly. I feel at ease, I can be myself, and I can say anything I want, tell you how I feel and know that at the end of the day, it doesn't change what you guys feel about me. THAT, is a gift that I treasure.

I love our rose therapy... I miss it badly. But, it doesn't matter that dumb Shangri-La decides to be a punk and only let us sit for 2 hours at one go (They're losing loyal customers), because even if it was at a coffee shop (that sells vegetarian food), or a cafe where snails are offered to a vegetarian, or in a pantry, I know I'll always have fun, and I'll always be in the company of people I can trust, and people I love.

I love you guys... truly.

And I cannot wait for the next time we meet up. Watch out... Haha...

Dead Man Walking

2009-04-10T01:42:00.005+08:00

This was the session that really spoke to me about my own life.. and it was this session that got me thinking a lot about my walk with God.

The title of the GC conference that I went to in Seattle was "Embrace Grace". It opened my eyes to see and understand what 'grace' really is. We all KNOW about grace - something we don't deserve but yet is offered to us. But how many really UNDERSTAND grace? That we REALLY don't need to earn it. It's there for us - freely given, freely receive. Grace IS God... and He's there for us to receive. How marvellous that the Creator of the UNIVERSE lets Himself be so readily available for us - mere humans, whose existence on earth is but fleeting. Just thinking about it kinda blows your mind a little out of proportion. And if you keep meditating on it, you realise that it starts to overtake your mind and your perspectives on life changes... and it alters, transforms. It's AMAZING GRACE...

In this conference, there was this session called "Dead Man Walking" by Pas Joel Stockstill and it really spoke to me. It was about how we are to be like Dead Men Walking. Why? Because our lives don't belong to us. And there is such liberty in walking like that. When you subject yourself to be 'dead', you really place yourself entirely in the hands of God. Nothing about you is you anymore. So you don't have to worry about your future, what tomorrow brings, your problems and cares, what about, what if... because you're not you! When you choose to live like that, it becomes liberating... not stifling... because you KNOW you're in good hands of one who loves you more than life itself.

"It is impossible for you to do what you want to do AND do what God wants you to do - unless you're DEAD. Then what you want to do will be ALL that God wants. Because you're DEAD, everything about you will be Him."

How absolutely true. It really got me thinking. This is what dying to yourself means. When Jesus was alive, He was a dead man walking. He knew His destiny was death on the cross but yet nevertheless, he was 'dead' to Himself and all that was Him was His Father's Will.

And when I reflect about my life and my attitude to the things around me, I told God I want to strive to be a dead man. I know in my heart and flesh that I will struggle against it, I will argue my way through, rationalise, but this is my desire and I pray that the grace of God will help me get there... so that all I am will be all that He wants me to be.

As I examine my life, these were some of the things that really spoke to me:

1) Repentance is a lifestyle. It's not just a prayer you say when you accept Christ. When the Holy Spirit convicts, repent immediately. The more you fight Him, the easier it is to forget Him.

2) Rebellion sometimes has little to do with sin. It can be a bad attitude. (Ouch! That hurts!) God, help me with that because I know I fall into that all too easily...

3) A dead person does not belong to this world... and the world cannot affect a dead person. How true. If you're dead, then no matter how much the world tries to get into you, it just will not and cannot do anything to you. You're... errr... DEAD! So factual but so difficult to understand sometimes.

4) Your will ultimately determines how much ground you give to the Lord or to yourself. You can do something, but unless your will does it, you didn't do it. Wow...

5) Brokenness is the ability to stay silent when given a command, being mistreated, or even falsely accused. It is being dead to your rights and privileges while being daily sensitized to the ever present guiding of the Holy Spirit. Digest this...

Help me Lord, because I can't do this on my own.

You've stolen my heart, yes, You have

You've wiped away the stains, You've broke away the chains

Yes, You have

This is all for You

You're the King of the world

-Leeland, "Yes, You Have"-

Hello there!

2009-04-10T01:21:00.005+08:00

Hong Kong with Mom

I know, I know.... this is waaaaayyy overdue but here it is. better late than never. How true... haha...

Hong Kong with mom was definitely refreshing. NOT boring at all... and, definitely did not get bored with mom. In fact, I've learned to enjoy her more. Ok, yes, cheesy, but it's true. Ever felt that as you grow older, so do your parents? I felt that way in Hong Kong. Mom was getting older... and one day, I know we'll say goodbye for real and then everything else to redeem will be too late. So, grab the opportunity while there's still time.... or pray very hard for the rapture than no one has to leave forever. :) But, yeah, HK was fun. Mom was just like, "Ok, just buy lah. Don't care already." Pam was like, "COOL! Awesome!" Haha... You definitely MUST go to H&M in HK. It rocks... it's a super nice store with good clothes and everything else that's fashion related. Of course, there's the food... glorious food... I think it's just not possible to starve in HK. Honestly. How to??!!??

Space Needle in Seattle

Seattle was awesome too... Here's the fun part. Next post on my reflections. I find it hard to combine my reflections of the Seminar and the fun part of Seattle all together.

It was definitely fun going with all the ppl that went with me. We really ate, drank and merried... haha... food was good. HUGE portions but very nice burgers and pasta, pizzas... but a little expensive to eat out there. Actually, there's nothing much to see in Seattle but the shopping was awesome. Really... you can really bag a good bargain in the States. And you cna buy ANYTHING. Really... I brought back things from shoes to Eater eggs. Haha. You can come try them when you get to my office (if my colleagues haven't finished it yet, that is! Ah-Hem!) But, yeah, it was nice to be able to go to the waterfall, experience snow... and the conference was good. I took away some stuff and I think God really dealt with some stuff in my life through that. So, I had a great time, basically. And I'm really thankful that I got to go. It was a real blessing.

Thank you, Jesus... and Thank you, everyone who enabled me to go and survive well in the States.

I am so grateful... :)

You can view pictures on my facebook... it's all there.

Silly Mom

2009-03-13T03:09:00.002+08:00

I'm flying off in a couple of hours... While we were packing our stuff, mom looked worried.

Pam: Are you excited to go to Hong Kong? It's TOMORROW!

Mom: (pretending to stay calm) Where got exciting?

Pam slaps mom on the arm. Mom laughs.

Mom: I'm a bit worried leh.

Pam: Why? That you'll get lost? Don't worry lah. I'm here what. We've been to Hong Kong!

Mom: No lah. Not that.

Pam: Then?

Mom: I'm worried you'll get bored of me in these 5 days.

Pam: What?!? Why would I be? You're my mom! Don't be silly!

And so ends our silly but loaded pre-Hong Kong conversation. I'm looking forward to having a great time with mom. Yaye...

I'll see you when I get back! Take care, and don't miss me too much. ha...

Good

2009-03-12T11:06:00.007+08:00

Finally... I've been meaning to get to this post since Sunday... and now I'm finally here on Thursday... Hah!

This week's been quite crazy. Have been trying to prepare for the Big Launch before I fly off. What was I thinking when I thought I didn't have to do anymore events after I leave MOE??!?? I need a wake up call. Haha...

Speaking of wake-up calls, I think God's been trying to give me several. It all started on Sunday. I didn't end last week on a good note at all. Well, was in a situation I really didn't appreciate being in and when I got home, I had to check myself and set time to talk to God about it. You know how sometimes when you go through something and you really wanna let it out to someone but there's NO ONE to let it out to? Yeah, that was how I felt on Sunday night. But I think it was good cos I eventually turned to God (which sounds kinda bad, I know, but I take heart that I didn't just go to sleep and not talk to Him.)

I think GOD'S REALLY GOOD.

It's not just something we sing about, or say to each other, or make fun of Don Moen with... (HAHA)... but it's a FACT. God is good! And when you experience the goodness of God (no matter how big or small), it's a great feeling. Like someone's watching your back, dependable. This was going through my mind the whole week.

So, thank you, God, for the good things that have happened. I know life cannot be a bed of roses and most times it just kinda stinks... but YOU are good nevertheless. It's not positive talk, it's encountering who You are.

Thank YOU for Hong Kong! Seattle! Good friends! Coffee! SALES!... even the simple jump in queue numbers so I can collect my passport 20 people faster.

Thank YOU.

New! New! New!

2009-03-07T00:10:00.002+08:00

Woohoo! Jurong West looks nicer than I expected! And I'm starting to feel the excitement of moving. It's still stressful for the sound guys, video people, the cleaners, chair movers and placement officers, my Regional Administrator, Regional Pastor... and the list just goes on! But, tonight, while I was there, and just doing a miniscule part of helping to see where the instrument goes made me feel that much more excited! I can't wait to see the hall filled with people come Sunday! YAYE!

Here's some reasons why Jurong West is going to be AWESOME:

1) The carpet is NOT the typical VFC green (clap clap clap)

2) NEW! instruments that look very cool (thank you, Jason)

3) We have dark wood lamination instead of the icky pukey khaki that is CCK (sorry, R12)

4) I think it looks nicer than Sembawang... haha.. albeit VERY much smaller.

5) We're in it.... the people make all the difference! haha...

And.. just for the record, because Esther Foong keeps drumming it into my head: We're sharing the building with another church (where she believes her true love is... and we're not talking about Jesus here).

So, there... it's gonna be awesome!

Ps: No photos cos you'll get to experience it when you come! (shout out to Danielle who's contemplating. HAHA. Now that's it out on the internet, you HAVE to come, like it or not! Hehe...)

Looking Forward

2009-03-05T01:28:00.005+08:00

I have to say, I'm really looking forward to several things:

1) HONG KONG! 13 March-17 March.

I'm finally going out of the country! Woohoo! Spending some days with mom is gonna be good. I think she deserves it... and I'm so happy to be a part of making that happen for her! Yaye! Of course, it helps that there's milk tea, french toast, great roasted meats, tim sum, shopping, and general slacking. Haha! 5 glorious days of sheer indulgence... God forgive me. Haha.

2) SEATTLE! 23 March-6 April

Ok. I've never been to the States, so this is a real experience of a life-time. Doesn't help that my boss is proudly American (not that it's not good, don't get me wrong!). But yeah, I'm looking forward to attending the youth conference at Generation Church, and getting re-charged, re-fuelled... and ideas for our own conference at the end of the year! Woo hoo! Ok ok... there's of course the worldly stuff like eat, shop, and whatever.. you get the idea.

3) BIG LAUNCH! 14 March

I'm excited about how everything will unfold. I know it's gonna be great, and it will be very rewarding for the people who's making it happen. Yaye! Only thing is- I'm away in Hong Kong. But nonethelss, I'm excited about it. I hope everything goes well! It will!

4) TRAINING OTHERS (date unconfirmed)

Yepp... I'm actually looking forward to be able to start training some people soon in the area of creative arts/performing arts. Maybe it's cos I kinda miss teaching... so this might be the closest I get to be in a class, although I'm not waxing lyrical about poetry and prose, but still, it's kinda exhilarating to be able to impart what i know (also not a lot lah, but God will help me) I'm gonna be stressed out about developing materials, preparing training, teaching people who could possibly be older than I am (I know there're some ppl who think this is highly impossible but, YES, THERE ARE PEOPLE OLDER THAN I AM, OKAY!). But, it's exciting anyway. I find it hard to believe I'm saying this... but, I guess I should thank God that I'm not sinking into depression over it. haha...

Yaye... this was not too bad to blog about. I'm thinking happy thoughts. Good job, Pam! :)

There's always something to look forward to...

All In Good Time

2009-03-03T00:10:00.000+08:00

Today was really good. Started out boring... like another mundane Monday, but I was glad for a friend's company. Yaye...

I haven't met up with her for so long it was really nice to catch up over Banana Mango Crumble and Key Lime Pie at Project Shop Cafe. Yums! Complete with Fresh Brew and Cappuccino. Yes... be envious. It's ok. :) But that's not the main event.

We got to talking and somehow, in the midst of us talking, I realised that I missed having conversations like these with my friends... I missed sharing my heart, my thoughts and my opinions, my struggles and my joy. It's so great to have friends who've come a long, long way with you. You can pick up conversations from anywhere in time.

We were talking about teaching, promotions, a frivolous, worldly life of buying stuff - shoes, bags, clothes - and me lamenting about how all that seems a distant reach for me. Ha. But, oddly enough, although the pain of not being able to do anything much (except contemplate if the next cup of Starbucks is gonna cost me lunch for the next two days), I felt a strange affirmation from God that ALL IS WELL.

"But it's not all well, God. Where's all the stuff that I want (and can actually afford)?!?"

But it is. It's all well because it's all in His good time. I think back about how I got to be where I am now and... (i know it'll sound cheesy, but it's true) I thank God. I'm not begging by the streets, I'm fully clothed (thank God!), I can still have coffee and pie with my friends, I can buy the odd new blouse here and there, I am a happier person, I'm right where He wants me to be! And this makes me happy. :) I'm doing what He wants me to do.

He didn't say the process will be great, but He did promise a blast of a finish... so, I look forward to that. Yes, it's true I still miss my Shangri-La high tea at the Rose Verandah (you NEED to go there some day), I miss my "I'll-buy-it-cos-it's-so-nice-and-i-can-afford-it" shopping sprees, I miss lunches at Crystal Jade as and when I want, I miss flagging down the cab whenever.

But I think I'll miss God more.

So, here's cheers to the last-minute wonderful Monday I had, cheers to how everything in my life is a result (one way or another) of His good timing (albeit sometimes a little 59th-second) and cheers to many more great times with God.

For everything Lord, help me to always look into Your face and be thankful that it's You I see holding me. I'll learn to take the road less travelled and learn to smell the roses that I'll find along the way.

Life Buoys

2009-02-23T14:10:00.000+08:00

I was really blessed yesterday. I'm really proud of the youths in my region. They are really, really a god-send and I'm so blessed to be working with them. :)

Ever since the youth ministry embarked on the vision of seeing 300 net leaders raised up, I can sense such a dramatic change in the spiritual atmosphere of the ministry. Even in my region, I'm so excited to be working with a bunch of young people who are sold out for God. I've been so blessed to see their enthusiasm to see multiplication take place like never before. Even the seemingly immovable mountains are starting to shift in their places. God is doing an exciting thing in this generation. Did I mention how blessed I am to be a part of it?

Yesterday, the youth ministry was tasked by the region to handle a whole bunch of handbills. And somehow, we got some stuff mixed up and ended up loading 20 packs of handbills into Jonathan's car. And just when we thought that was all, in the evening, the RA came and told me that was only for half the youth ministry's strength. (??!!??) But you know what? While we were fretting over how to finish this, some of the guys and the girls got together and decided that there would be enough mumbling and they would just go down and get it done.

Mobilisation Mass SMS and Handbilling.

They all rallied together and decided to do it not because of anything but because:

1) it needs to get done

2) people need a miracle

3) people need life buoys

What an example... and what a great testimony. I'm so blessed that they just pulled together and decided to just do it. I'm so impressed by their initiative. You're wonderful, guys... and girls... (aiyah, you know what I mean) You're a GREAT bunch!

Life buoy to me... to this generation.

Someone out there will be so blessed... because as they wait upon the storms of life, you will be offering them a life buoy.

Good Times

2009-02-20T01:55:00.000+08:00

Today wasn't such a bad day. Thank God. I've learnt to thank God for every day that went well. Good days are hard to find... and I found one today!

Had a great time at Edge UC. Jeremy preached a sermon about our baggages in life and how we carry them everywhere we go, and let it cloud our lives. It was a good reminder of my life and where it stands now. I'm actually very happy with my life right now... and I feel kinda proud about myself.

"Explain, Pam... explain."

I found out the truth about something rather inevitable, actually. And when I found out, I was pleasantly surprised to evaluate that it affects me less than how I expected it to. In fact, it was of little consequence. Ha. I'm so happy! The baggage of "Past" is running on empty! YAYE!

After Edge UC, I had a great time at dinner and after Prata and Teh-Tarik, a few of us went on to McCafe at West Coast to have another drink and I had the most hilarious times laughing at the state of our army... and the cost of national service. It was mostly: sip coffee, listen to stories, laugh very hard, wipe tears off eyes, sip coffee, listen to stories, laugh very hard... etc. It was a lot of good fun that I haven't had in a long long while. I'm very thankful for that. It's like fuel for your heart and your soul. Haha... extremely therapeutic!

Then I come back to find my sister posted on my blog wondering why I'm not back yet... and it moved me. I know, I know... she probably didn't mean to show that much care but nonetheless, it felt good to be thought of in your absence. Thank you, sis. Your comment was the icing on the cake... I'm so thankful for you. Please don't ever LOSE yourself (haha)... I'll be very sad.

So there, a light-hearted post cos someone told me today my posts were very 'emotional'... and I'm determined not to be an emo blogger.

Thank God for good times...

Time Lines

2009-02-18T00:05:00.000+08:00

This was meant for yesterday... but I just didn't have time to pen it down. So, here it is, the overdue post. Yesterday, dad took me to get some official documentations done for my own survival. (If i tell you what it is, I'll have to kill you...) So it was kinda cool... but a bit weird for me cos me and dad aren't the talking sort. He's the stern father and I'm the, well, daughter of a chinese family, with an older brother... you get the drift. Cafes, pam and dad don't go well together. So, we did the errand and I decided to be brave and ask dad to take a coffee-break with me since I haven't eaten lunch and we went to Coffee Club to grab a bite and a drink.

Silence... coffee machine grinding... clinking utensils.... loud business man.... foreign waitress trying to speak English... silence...

Food came and then the talking started. At first, it felt kinda strange. It was strange to hear dad 'talk' to me... as in the 'chatting-voice' dad. I didn't recognise that voice, but it felt good to hear it. It sounded gentle, comfortable, nice... like my coffee did.

Dad talked about his experiences in missions, his thoughts, his feelings... things you don't tell your daughter... but it was nice to be chomping down alfredo pasta, sipping coffee and listening to this new voice. As he spoke, I was looking at dad's face and it suddenly hit me: dad's getting really old. I don't say this with distaste or humour. It's true. Written on this face before me were years of life's hard knocks and sweet moments. I never realised it before, but on the lines of dad's face was an experience, an encounter, someone, a tragedy, a comedy.

Dad was growing older... so am I. And I realised that I haven't taken time to appreciate fully the face before me. There isn't much time.

The time line is getting shorter.

I think I've missed dad for far too long... and it's probably time to redeem what's been lost.

I wonder if that's how we are with God (no matter that He's ETERNAL).

Maybe we need coffee moments with God too, like me with dad.

Missing You...

2009-02-16T12:38:00.001+08:00

Love and Friendship

Love is like the wild rose-briar,

Friendship like the holly-tree—

The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms

But which will bloom most constantly?

The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring,

Its summer blossoms scent the air;

Yet wait till winter comes again

And who will call the wild-briar fair?

Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now

And deck thee with the holly's sheen,

That, when December blights thy brow,

He may still leave thy garland green.

- Emily Bronte -

Ok... I'll admit. Yes, I'm missing Esther. ha. Just because I didn't bawl at the airport when she left doesn't mean she's not important to me, or that I'm not gonna miss her. Last night I had dinner with the gang at Simpang... and her absence was sorely felt, especially on the way from food to mrt. And today, when it's MONDAY.... it's worse. Ha... Allow me to explain...

I work at the church office. Off-days are monday (but NO ONE ELSE'S OFF-DAYs are Mondays) so Esther was kinda always there and available for me to ask out for a movie, to chill, coffee, whatever...

So, now that you're far away in Aussie-land (*super jealous*), I'm left to fend for myself on Mondays.

I can't wait for two things: your return, and our journey back to Melbourne in 2010 (fingers-crossed). Hope you're doing well, my friend.

Cheers, and a toast to friendships! :)

Cradled

2009-02-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

Yup. That's what I felt happened to me today. I felt cradled.

cradled: to hold gently and protectively

The whole day felt like I was cradled by God... He was holding everything in His hands.

1) My two-week long project at the office was FINALLY done! Yaye!

2) I had to do a game and a skit at the Edge service. Someone handled the games for me ENTIRELY so I could concentrate on the skit. Another friend was willing to help me put music, powerpoint and be the last minute leading man (due to an event I will elaborate in 3) for the skit.

3) I nearly lost my life (along with 2 other friends, one of whom was supposed to be the initial leading man) today in an accident. No one was hurt, but it was a harrowing experience. All I can say is that it all happened too fast, too blur, too shocking. As I look back, amidst the screeching tyres and brakes, the jaw-dropping stares from passers-by, the feeling of shock from the impact and the fact that the car was leaking, I felt God cradling us all. This is why I can sit here in my room, typing this post.

GOD REALLY LOVES ME! He really protected all of us. None of us felt the impact from inside the car. It was like there were cushions all around... and miraculously, both vehicles weren't travelling at high speed, even though one party should have in normal situations. No one was hurt!

Epiphany:

I'm so glad God didn't just take me home! He's not done with me yet! Which means there are things that I need to accomplish here on earth before I float up north. And I cannot wait to see what these things are!

4) Gladys Soh randomly gave me a hug and wished me Happy Valentine's Day. How sweet!

Thank YOU.... the Lover of my Soul.

Peek-a-boo!

2009-02-14T00:23:00.000+08:00

This is officially the FIRST entry I'm posting on my FIRST blog. I'm kinda excited... I know, I know, I'm a bit slow. Pardon the old mechanism, hah! But as I was thinking about how to go about doing this in the most fitting way, I thought about what to post, how to say the things, what info to offer and such. And yes, I've decided. "Peek-a-boo" because this is exactly the place I am in now. I'm peeking into the world of blogging; I'm peeking into different areas of my life; I'm peeking into the plans that God has in store for me; I'm peeking in his blessings and His work in my life. It's an amazing sight. (partly cos there's me involved. HAHA! cut me some slack. What's MY blog without singing my own praises? :P)

Anyway, I'm just gonna start like it's been many many entries...

The week started off kinda on the wrong foot. It's like the entire week woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It's been a whirl wind of events, things to do, datelines to meet, friends leaving the country, yada yada... and I could not help but to complain, and ask questions that really should be banished from my mind - Why am i doing this? What am I doing here? Why? How come? These questions hit me a lot of times, especially when the going gets tough. The ugly face of doubt rears its monstrous head...

But you know what? One day (must have been Wednesday) I couldn't take it anymore and I went to my secret place, a.k.a Ladies' toilet in Toa Payoh and prayed just TWO words, "God... seriously..." And suddenly, it didn't matter anymore. Well, the stress is still there, the people, the things to finish, but it just didn't matter anymore. It's going to be OKAY... It's like GOD took up all the space and Doubt has not where else to go but out.

And so starts my good week.

The whole week, a friend kept talking about silver linings... and you know the thing about silver linings is, that it gets missed out if you're not looking closely. And so when the cloud of things didn't matter anymore, I saw my silver linings: No rude students, No exam papers, No 400 scripts, good friends, coffee, Hong Kong, Seattle, Mondays, seeing Esther Foong teach ME the net lesson (ultimate role-reversal)... and you know what? I'm alright! :) I finished what I had to do for the week... and it's ending well!

On my way to net I heard Starfield's Shipwreck... and here's what spoke to me:

I am just a beggar here at Your door

I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore

I come empty-handed ready to see

your life in me changing who I am

To who I need to be

And that is what I want... I want to 'NEED to be' what God 'WANTS me to be' - His wants as my need. So, here, God, at Your door and on Your shore... peeking...